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I think it is time that we as parents get a grip on this whole nickname thing. I am not talking about endearments and pet names, I am talking about those names parents give their kids only to call them something entirely different. Why not just name them that in the first place? If you like the name Leo then name your kid Leo or if you want something more formal name him Leonardo and call him Leo but don’t name him Philemon and call him Leo for short. I am calling bullshit on that.

I am fine with Michael becoming Mike and Christina becoming Christy. I start having a problem when the nickname is actually longer than the given name, like when Charles becomes Charlie. However even that is better than when Charles becomes Chuck. How do you get Chuck from Charles, for fuck’s sake. Unless the name on your birth certificate is Chuckles I will not be “shortening” your name to Chuck.

Jim. Short for James right? Wrong. How can it be short for something if they have the same number of syllables? Jim is not short for James it is short for Jimothy or Jimberly and if your parents liked the name Jim better than the name James, they shoulda fuckin’ named you Jim!

Oh and Richard, can we talk for a moment about the nicknames for Richard? Rich or Richie completely acceptable. Rick and Ricky? Not so much. If your name is Rickard I will call you Rick or Ricky. Then there is Dick. Can someone please tell me how in the hell you get Dick from Richard or Rich. It’s impossible. Somewhere, sometime some mother had a horrible little boy named Richard and she called him Dick because that is what he was and then to hide her bad parenting she made up the story about Dick being a short form of Richard. Bullshit. It is short for Dickard.

And how about those Kennedy’s? They were famous for the bullshit nicknames weren’t they? Jack Kennedy? How in the hell is Jack an acceptable nickname for John? Again, same number of syllables so WTF? Also if your kid’s middle initial is F you don’t start calling him Jack. “Yeah I’m Jack F Kennedy” Really? I say no to that unless like little Dick he really is a Jack-off and you are trying to pull a fast one on us. Then there was Bobby Kennedy? How is Bob or Bobby short for Robert? Rob and Robby yes. If you go by Bob or Bobby I am going to assume your name is Bobert. Or Bobwin. Bobward. Whatever. And last but not least Ted Kennedy whose name was, wait for it … Edward. WTF Mom and Pop Kennedy. Why didn’t you call him Ed or Eddie. Where the fuck did Ted come from? When he died I spent most of the day thinking the Kennedy curse had claimed two more victims because some news stations were calling him Ted and some were calling him Edward and my mind does not make an immediate connection between the names Ted and Edward. Because it’s bullshit.

The six Kennedy brothers: John, Jack, Bobby, Robert, Ted and Edward

The six Kennedy brothers: John, Jack, Bobby, Robert, Ted and Edward

And girls names are not immune to this crap. Have you ever met a Peggy? Chances are her name is Margaret. Yea, you heard me Margaret. How the fuck do you get Peggy from Margaret? Maggie I can kinda see but Peggy? Someone was smokin’ some good shit to come up with that one.

The only thing worse than a “short version” of a name that makes no sense is the ironic nickname. You know the person who is 6’7″ and goes by Shorty or the guy who weighs 420 lbs and says “My name is Jerry but people call me Slim.” No they fucking don’t. And if they do that is ridiculous and under those rules I would like for everyone to start calling me Sober.