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Have you ever been into a house where there are no bookshelves? Not a book to be seen just a couple of magazines and maybe a cookbook. Am I the only one who thinks this is weird? I’m not saying that I expect people to be like me. I have 5 or 6 bookshelves in my house and they are all crammed with books. I also tend to have books stacked on my nightstand, desk and coffee table. I realize this is not the norm, but seriously, not a single book anywhere?

I don’t trust people who don’t have books. They are obviously trying to hide something horrible about themselves. I watch police dramas and I know the police always scan the bookshelves of both the victim and the perp because it tells them something about the person. In the victim’s house they usually find a lot of self-help or poetry books and in the perp’s house they find books on committing the perfect murder or building a bomb. My point is even murderers and terrorists have books in their house so what the fuck is someone who has no books trying to hide? Well, we know it is worse than murder or terrorism.

Here’s the other thing, not having books tells me a lot about you as well. If you are a parent and you don’t have a single parenting book it is obvious that you have robot children who are programmed to behave perfectly, thus never requiring you to purchase a parenting book to explain why the fuck your kids are acting like THAT. If you don’t have a single self-help book I will assume that YOU are the robot because as humans we are not okay with ourselves. Seriously, what human has ever been like, “I am perfect the way I am. There is not a single thing I need to change about me.”  Even if we are that okay with ourselves as humans we realize that it is not okay to be okay with ourselves so we will buy a self-help book to figure out why we are so okay with ourselves. At the very least we will get a random self-help book to throw on the coffee table so that no one else will know that we are okay with ourselves.

This is a stock photo and not from my actual bookshelf. But I do own more than 3 of these books…

Also normal people have diet books. Skinny normal people have diet books to say “I look fabulous, but I work hard at it.” Fat normal people have diet books to say “Hey, I’m trying.” People buy coffee table books to let their guests know something about them. Do you think that anyone has ever read that 300 lb book about golf? NO! It is there to tell people “Hey, I enjoy golf. I can’t afford a golf cart to park in front of my house so I bought this large overpriced book to let you know that I am a fan of the game.”

If the conversation begins to lag all you have to do is look at someone’s coffee table or bookshelf and there will be something there to talk about.  “Hey I see your shelves of full of books about cats and there are also a few books on living with alcoholics. Let’s talk about why your cat is a drunk.” or “Wow, you’re reading Glenn Beck’s book huh? Let’s talk about which nut-house you’d like to be committed to.”

from theyresofluffy.com

I now see why people might choose to hide their books…

I know everyone says that eyes are the windows to the soul, but I honestly believe the same thing can be said about bookshelves. If I come into your house I will look at your books and I will make judgements about you based on what I see. I invite you to do the same in my home. It will not be pretty I promise you… but it will be a damn sight more interesting than talking about the weather.

From my actual shelf . . . but not the guilty pleasure shelf which is full of V.C. Andrews and Julie Garwood paperbacks. This is the shelf people actually see.