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Today I lived my own version of Mission Impossible. I tried to buy sandals in August. Yes, you heard me right. Sandals. In August. This is pretty much how the day went:

Me: Hello, I’m looking for some sandals for a 14 year old boy.

Salesman: NO SANDALS FOR YOU!!! …but we do have a lovely selection of snow boots in stock now.

Um…yeah, because I asked for a ventilated shoe that is good for wading through creeks and won’t look dorky with shorts. But okay, give me a furlined, calf-high toaster-oven, that’ll work just as well…NOT!!!

Seriously, what is up with that? You can’t buy swimsuits or sandals in August when it’s 142 freakin’ degrees outside? No. You have to buy them in February…you know right after you shovel the snow from your driveway. In August you better wipe that boob sweat off and get your summer swamp ass to town to pick out your winter jacket, because by the time it is cold enough for you to actually need a winter jacket the only thing you will find at the stores are beach towels and flip-flops.

What I want to know is who the hell are these people who are shopping two seasons ahead? If you do this, you really need to stop…NOW. You are ruining things for the rest of us. When you buy a speedo in January you support the retailers decision to discriminate against the procrastinators, the disorganized and the chronically lazy.

That goes for you moms who are buying school supplies the second week of July. My kids have been out of school for less than a month at this point and there is no way we are going Back to School shopping. But I see a lot of you in there with your school lists buying all the pink erasers so that when I do my Back to School shopping the Friday before Labor day there is not a single pink eraser left on the planet.

Thanks to you over-achievers we get to listen to Jingle Bells while we shop for Halloween candy (which we have to buy in April or get stuck with the 15 lb bag of suckers) and then when we try to buy stuffing for the turkey in November the only thing we can find to stuff it with is Easter Jelly Bellys. (Which is suprisingly NOT delicious)

What I am trying to say is, we let these retailers keep us hopping. We can’t enjoy the moment. We can’t have a nice summer vacation because by the time we start to settle into summer it is over according to every Mall, Walmart and Target in America. There is truly something to be said for enjoying where we are right now, this second. I for one like to shop for summer clothes when it is above 80 degrees. I like to buy my food the week, if not the day, that I eat it.

If I bought snow boots today, I would probably get the sensible brown ones, or the kinda classy black ones, but in 3 months I might be the kind of person who would wear the purple snow boots with the fringe down the back.  I think life is a beautiful journey and I don’t want to plan for who I am going to be 3 months from now. I want it to be a wonderful surprise.


This is our future, folks!